The Onion | Michael Moore Honored With New Ben & Jerry's Flavor posted by Ben

The Onion | Michael Moore Honored With New Ben & Jerry's Flavor

I post this because it hits surprisingly close to home. You see, I've been working for the past month on a screenplay that began when I read a right-wing rant about how Ben & Jerry's ice cream was communist. That led me to Star Spangled Ice Cream, the patriotic answer to Ben & Jerry's. I was so amused by how upset some conservatives were by a couple of liberals daring to sell ice cream for a business and oppose the president's policies on their own time that I posted on the Dead Gentlemen webpage about it. And I got to work on that screenplay. I'm currently 48 pages in, but I thought I'd offer just an excerpt from when our main character first enters the Party Line Ice Cream Parlor.

INT. PARTY LINE ICE CREAM -- MOMENTS LATER

Romeo and Chad push open the glass door and walk in. The
building is filled with kids from their tour bus. Most are
gawking at the decorations.

On the back wall is a huge painting of Lenin. Communist
designs, posters, and slogans fill every available wall
space, along with many old-fashioned unlit kerosene lamps.
A bookshelf in a corner is full of Communist tracts.

Behind the counter, two large, bearded men, Harold and
Horace, serve up ice cream in thick Russian accents.
Russian folk music plays through the ice cream parlor's
sound system. A bunch of kids begin to dance. Rain beats
against the outside windows.

HORACE
Welcome, Comrades! Join the party!

Chad and Romeo walk up to the bar.

HAROLD
What can I be serving for you
tonight? We have all flavors
approved by the party: Lenin Lemon,
Commie Coffee, Trotsky Toffee, and
my favorite, Rainbow Red. Or, if
you are not being ideological
hardliner, there is Pinko Bubblegum
for Socialist allies.

HORACE
You must be tasting Stalinmint!
Here!

Horace hands plastic tasting spoons filled with Stalinmint
ice cream to Romeo and Chad. Chad slurps his up.

CHAD
Not bad. Minty.

HORACE
Like Stalin, yes?

Romeo backs away from the bar.

ROMEO
What. The. Hell?!

HAROLD
You are not being fan of Stalin?
For philosophical purity, perhaps
you are preferring Karamel Marx?

I shouldn't have to mention that this excerpt, including its stupid puns, is copyright ©2005 Ben Dobyns and may not be reproduced without my express permission. Including its stupid puns.